The last secret diary entry of Maximilian Thorn

I was sorting out the lovely Maxie's personal effects and in his little private box, among the pictures of Ellie and Nina, the old sock that smelt of Gerry, the pair of my knickers (I wondered where they had gone), and the half-eaten chews he was hiding from Satchmo, I found his last diary entry, written just the evening before he died.

Monday 17 December 2012

Woke up this morning and thought ‘I love my Mum’ – and suddenly realised she’d crept in without me noticing. I do wish the old girl wouldn’t creep up on me like that – gives me a helluva start. Anyway, as soon as it was light she took us all for our morning constitutional in the field, which was great. She’s chickened out a few times lately when it’s been really wet, but I reckon if I can make it, so can she. It was a bit of a red letter walk ‘cos I found a delicious dead rabbit and managed to get a couple of gulps before the old spoilsport took it off me. I just can’t understand why such tasty morsels have that effect on her, but perhaps she’s just holding them back for herself?

One good thing is that she’s started giving me raw meat again, so I had a scrummy breakfast with tripe and beef. Settled down for a snooze and then I heard the door. I was really pleased when it transpired to be that young beauty, Ella, with her mum. They stayed for a couple of hours so I was in boy dog sniffy bliss. This looks set to be a good day!

I was quite tired after they left so I had quite a long rest while Mum walked the scintillating Nina and the Brat. Nina even cosied up with me while the Brat and Mum were out. Then – real treat – Mum put me in the car and took me to the village for a walk. We went all round the village green. It’s a darn site easier under foot than the field in this weather (it’s flat for a start), but the best thing is that it smells of dozens of other dogs. I was in proper doggie heaven nosying around there, I can tell you. It was getting a bit near dusk and my eyes aren’t what they were, though, so a couple of times I looked up and couldn’t see where Mum was. I employed my usual emergency tactic of heading for home, and she found me again each time. For some reason it makes her laugh when I do that; all I can say is she’s got an odd sense of humour.

Home again for more beef and tripe and we also got a chew while Mum watched that TV thing. Just scribbling this in bed before I go to sleep. I know I’m getting older and stiffer and I do sometimes wonder how much more of this life thing there is, but today has been brill – a real high spot. I can’t imagine life being any better than this. Goodnight.

My dearest Maxie - you'll never be forgotten

So, just a few days after that last diary entry, my beloved Maxie died; on 18 December, aged 15 years, 4 months and 12 days. A wonderful age for a dobermann, but still a shock when it happened and the house seems very quiet and empty without him. I found myself stroking the air where he would have been as the other two ate their breakfast this morning. Nina and Satchmo are very subdued. Nina has quietly made it clear to Satchmo that she has taken Max's place as top dog and he seems happy to accept that. They both slept in my room last night, but will be back to normal tonight.

Can't seem to get going at all today. Really must take them for a walk...

Secret Diary of Maximilian Thorn aged 15 1/3

Woke up this morning and thought ‘I love my Mum’. I also thought that, although I’ve been updating you quarterly in the past, life moves on and these days I feel it rushing past me at an ever-increasing rate (I’m quite a philosopher, you know, in my spare time), so I’m going to do my diary more often now.  For months I’ve been slithering about in the mud on our walks, so I was really chuffed when the weather turned really cold a week ago and the track froze. Much easier underfoot, I thought, and sure enough, it was, but unfortunately the old soldiers at the back drag a bit and I kept getting home with skinned toes. I have to say it appears to bother Mum more than it does me. She dips my toes in warm water – quite pleasant, but an odd thing to do nonetheless – and then when I lick my sore foot afterwards I can taste salt. I told you my Mum was a bit weird these days. I've a horrible feeling she's losing her marbles [watch it or you'll lose yours - Ed.].

Did I mention that, last September, Mum took the delectable Nina to have an operation she called ‘spaying’? It’s supposed to turn her into a middle-aged lass who’s no longer attractive to us boys, but all I can say is – you wasted your money, Mum. I still think she’s gorgeous. She even still had a bit of a season last month so that I had to pee indoors a few times and bark all night. In fact, I seem to find her attractive all the time now and I’ve been finding I wake up several times every night and bark to let her know I’m available when she’s up for it. I think she must be desperate for me really, ‘cos Mum’s making her sleep in the sitting room now. Oh well, at least I get an uninterrupted night’s sleep for the first time in months [tell me about it – Ed.] and at my age I do need to conserve my energy. These days I seem to find myself dreaming about that nubile young lass, Kiki, as much as about Nina. Incorrigible stud dog, that’s me.

On Wednesday Mum did that odd thing she does every winter of putting a tree indoors. It’s not a real tree; she doesn’t know much about dogs if she thinks that something with no tree smell at all will fool us dobies. Nonetheless, I thought I ought to have a little pee on it just to show the brat who’s boss. Unfortunately, I’d forgotten I can’t seem to cock my leg any more, so there were a few drops on the carpet and I got a severe telling off.

Mum’s got a cold and is sniffling deliciously. I say deliciously because snotty tissue is one of my favourite between-meal snacks. Unfortunately, Mum knows this and doesn’t seem to like it so I have to be a bit devious to get them. I find the best tactic is to stand with my chin on the table and look adoringly at her while edging closer to the tissue, and then pounce before she realises what I’m up to. It’s quite tricky ‘cos I do need to glance occasionally to see where it is and if she sees me she guesses what I’m up to and moves it. Still, she’s no match for an intelligent stud boy like me and I’ve managed a few already without her realising.

Got to go – I can smell salmon and rice.